Stanfield Press

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With the aid of hidden cameras...

Kevin Barbee's Management Style is Revealed!


The Mayor's Corner, article # 7

I have been your beloved Mayor for longer than some of you care to remember, that's why I am so grateful to those who are less informed and always do as they are told (which is vote for me) along with all the folks who don't bother to vote at all. Yes, I might have made some mistakes from time to time, but Stanfield remains a place that you can really enjoy yourself without having a good time. There was a time when Jerry, Larry and I managed to keep folks at bay and out of our various Town Council Meetings by sorta keeping them informed, via our various church affiliations, which we run the same way we do Stanfield. However, we have a big problem now, because ever since the Bastards at StanfieldPress got involved, we've been in and out of the county and local papers much more often and usually in a less than flattering light. I am not happy with this growing nightmare, I'd like to return to the good ole days when nobody bothered to show up, not even to our various Public Comment sessions. Now, folks come in on a regular basis like they own the joint and they're starting to watch our every move! Hell, we can't even post images of ourselves without them getting photo-shopped.

Now, when it comes from members of my own fan club, I usually enjoy getting a lot of extra attention, but these newly awake people are all damn troublemakers! They come into Town Hall, they take over our meetings and they have the nerve, yes, the nerve to stand there before my fully erect penis...err, I mean behind our short, stubby, totally unimpressive, homemade Speakers Podium and grill us about every little thing. This is really pissing me off, because lies...err, I mean propaganda...err, I mean Information takes time to create. I don't think that fast on my feet people, I need time to figure out what to say and I keep getting put on the spot! These other 5 twits are no help, I mean Larry Sides is usually asleep, Greg Lucas never gives more than his usual answer of "I don't Know," Jerry Williams sits there stooped over looking retarded, when he's not touching himself inappropriately, James Griffin is busy taking selfies of his stupid Amish beard and the new guy stays busy under the table with his OBEY knee pads.

The end result is I am left on my own to come up with whatever bullshit...err, I mean Information that

I think will get us off the hot-seat.

So, I've had it, all you troublemakers can eat my shorts and none of you will be welcome at any more of our meetings! I have instructed our Police Chief, Cory Faggot...err, I mean Faggert to escort any and all troublemakers out of any future gatherings! Starting today, every Council Meeting will be a closed session and from now on any and all Public Comment sessions will be held across the street, next to the restaurant's dumpster and none of us councilmen will attend. I am doing this because the stress is causing me to develop anger management issues and my adult beverage consumption is out the roof. Therefore, I am telling all of you here and now that "it ends today!" No more pestering me for details, I'm going to do my stuff and the rest of you can sit and spin. I am the parent and you are the children, I am the Bee Keeper, you are the bees, I blow smoke at you and I then take your honey. I am the Mayor, I know best and will no longer be pushed into a corner and asked anymore hard questions. I am up to here with you sumbitches!

So, this is how it works from now on, You work while I eat, you will do as you are told, you will shut up, sit down, pay me your taxes and behave! I have worked too hard to create Stanfield in my own image, after all, it is I who brings the rain, I bring the sunshine! I am your benefactor and you will love me forever damn it!....Ooh Yes, here it comes! I can feel it welling up inside me right now, it's the Power the glorious Power! Yes, I have it, it's the POWER! I am so POWERFUL! It's tingling even more now, Yes, oh Yes, Yes!...Hail Satan!...Hail Sataaa....err,....Uhh,...Oops! What I mean to say is I just want to go back to when the only way being your Mayor could possibly be more fun for me would involve chocolate syrup! All these damn questions about wasted money, fuzzy math, extra years of excess taxes, people voting for stuff and then giving themselves jobs doing that stuff, blown deals and isolating Stanfield with the mismanagement of our relations with other towns, plus everything else, will no longer be an issue!

How's That?

I am thrilled to report that I have had many e-mail exchanges with Prince NaBooboo of Nigeria and he is very rich. Turns out he found my name on a suckers list...err, I mean a list of important older people who like wearing Cracker Barrel tablecloth pattern dress shirts, a description that fits me to a tee and the Prince has made me a valuable offer! If everything goes as planned, I will be able to announce that all of Stanfield's money issues are now a non-issue. I will then of course take full credit, due to my association with this most important person and I am obviously the perfect choice to assist him with his banking problems. Prince NaBooboo of Nigeria has informed me that all we have to do (because he is a political prisoner in his own country) is to come up with $5,000 Dollars and send it to him. Prince NaBooboo will then allow us to handle all of his affairs Stateside and for that he will reward us with a commission of 8 Million Dollars! God, this is great, think of all we can do with that much money! We can take the Wedding Cake...err, I mean the painted Easter Egg...err, I mean the Town's Glorious downhill Park and actually prove that the world is wrong about it being impossible to polish a turd!

Prince NaBooboo assures me this is totally legit, all we have to do is send him a Blank Postal Money Order for $5,000 Dollars and we'll be set. Hell, we can afford that, we'll just take it out of our only recently admitted 4th..I mean 5th...or was it our 6th secret accounts? Ahh, it doesn't matter, we will grab it from somewhere, this is just too good of an opportunity to miss, don't you agree?

Speaking of Dollars, I want to take a moment to clear the air and explain that you troublemakers have it all wrong about the Town's finances! I've never stated that the Town's cash flow is in actual U.S. Dollars and that must be the cause of all the confusion! For the record, my personally invoked monetary system, which the Town Council has used for over 10 years in order to confuse you...err, I mean keep you Informed, is not in U.S. Dollars, it's in special type of money that we call Dollhairs!

For Example:

Recently, we published the following information in an effort to look transparent to casual observers (that would be most of you) about our available money and I would like to thank Greg Lucas for helping me with this. I am so proud of Greg, especially considering that he has no known formal training, when it comes to finance, further complicated by the fact that all of our records are in crayon.

However, I have corrected Greg's accidental reference to U.S. Dollars in a recent newspaper article and have adjusted those published figures over to our proprietary Dollhairs system:


General Fund: $575,726 Dollhairs

Powell Bill Fund: $21,735 Dollhairs

Enterprise Fund: $77,042 Dollhairs

General Fund CD: $58,213 Dollhairs

Enterprise Fund CD: $103,191 Dollhairs

Christmas Party Fund: (balance unavailable)

Bail Money Fund: (balance unavailable)

Cool Guy Toys Fund: (balance unavailable)


Never mind the fact that this barely exceeds the amount we are accused of stealing...err, I mean stashing in yet another of our secret accounts full of play money. Now, a thinking person, which many of our supporters can't call themselves, would wonder - where did the left over tax income from all previous years go if we're barely over the $700,000 that 8 extra years of fire tax should represent? - At this point all I have to say is the problem is you people must think that Stanfieldian $ Dollhairs are equal in value to U.S. Dollars, they are not! It's kinda like how we only post the Council Meeting minutes months and months after the fact, the flexible value of Dollhairs also allows us to 'adjust things' before public release of Information. In reality, we are well on our way to being broke at our current rate of spending, but that's why I'm so happy about my new invigorating relationship with Prince NaBooboo. So, sit down, relax, remain calm and only come to Town Hall to pay your sewer bills, because we have everything under control!

* If all else fails, we do have a Plan B. Inspired by the unforeseen drop in sales of my 'Fat Bastard Cream' product. Uncle Perv...err, I mean Larry and I are thinking of investing in a new and growing Franchise opportunity out of nearby Charlotte. The opportunity of which I speak is with a company we found online known as the 'Dead Hooker Removal Service' of which I am finding myself strangely titillated by, but more on that later.

Now, it has come to my attention recently that a strange car with heavily tinted windows has been seen circling the drain around the homes of several potentially very dangerous enemies...err, I mean lukewarm supporters of mine. The driver is suspected of being a relative, but I choose not to confirm or deny this. However, his mother and I spoke about it at length the other night and we have decided that since it's a down economy, not getting any better, plus my drinking is out of control and getting expensive, having one less mouth to feed could be a plus! As a result, I'm going to do what I always do with bad news, I'm going to ignore it.

Another issue that I simply must address is all of you damn locals bugging the Hell out of me via Social Media. I don't like FaceBook, it doesn't let me show my good side without the Cops being called, plus I'm not good with computers or expressing my non-existent emotions. I don't give a damn about all the recipes you people send me, but I would suggest to one uppity local that you have to start draining all the fat from your God Forsaken Sausage Balls! The time she gave me a plate of them I damn near shit the bed hours after all that damn grease made it through my system. I will no longer accept gifts of food from this snoot, but for the benefit of everyone else, I would like to say - Please remember that not all of us can eat globs of greasy meat without bad things happening! Jeesh, were you trying to kill me?

I'm also totally not interested in long winded expressions of gratitude towards your marital Self-Help Guru, when you involve a third person in your personal problems, that's called Help, not Self-Help, so get that straight in your head. As for the husband involved, all I would say to him is that Married Men die first, because they want to. I will pray for you, you need it. I am also sick and tired of all these damn LinkedIn social media join-requests, leave me alone you Bastards. Let me put it this way: The only thing I'm interested in getting Linked In with is a young 20'something year old Hottie with unresolved Daddy Issues who enjoys spankings...err, I mean wayward women who would like to join the Religious Studies Classes that I recently started in my Basement, yeah, that's it. Hmm, maybe I'm getting better at thinking on my feet after all!

And yet another issue that's been pissing me off is that I have been engulfed with hate e-mails, which I delete as spam, concerning the pamphlets I had sent out about our second rate...err, I mean fragile sewer system. You remember, the one with the Mr. Grease & Goop cartoon character, which is our recently dreamed up sewer system Mascot. Rumor has it that Jerry saw himself in a full length mirror after a shower one night, which he takes if he needs it or not every 3-4 days and that gave him the idea for this cartoon character. I think our new mascot is great, but what I really like is that we can now blame the failure of our sewer system (sooner or later) on all of you, instead of our bad equipment selection. With our aging system in mind, we are busy trying to give the whole damn thing away to the County, that way it will become their problem, never mind that our sewer system represents tons of your tax dollars shot to hell, but us wasting money is nothing new. But what I like even better is that we planted the seed that you could be charged up to $2,000 if something you flushed or put down your sink is the cause of a sewer system problem. Someone stopped me the other day and asked why the maximum repair fee for you doing damage was only $2,000, the reason is simple, at $2,001.00 Dollars or More, we are required to actually tell you what repairs added up to that amount. Having to actually document the repair bill would endanger our $2,000 Dollar or Less anonymous billing goldmine...err, I mean pesky full disclosure. I am grateful to my Church for printing these latest pamphlets up, they did a good job and they were very happy to get their printer up and working again. Reportedly, by having them handle this for us, I was able to replace some of the lost revenue they enjoyed back when they were printing up our now discontinued Town Newsletter, a suspected for-profit project paid for using taxpayer money. As usual, everything was going great until StanfieldPress came along. I do feel the need however to Expand the list of things you cannot and should not flush down your toilet or wash down your sink. Yes, we did mention egg shells, cat litter, greasy Sausage Balls, motor oil, etc, but there is a lot more that was left off the initial list. Therefore, I will now tell you of some additional items that you should not put into our fragile sewer system, they are as follows: Hopes, Dreams, Fears, Love, Hate, Prayers, Suggestions, Air, Spit, Water, Piss, PooPoo or pretty much anything else. If you wish to prevent being hit with an anonymous money-making bill generated by our incompetent staff for $2,000 Dollars or Less, we suggest you start using a bucket. Also be warned right now that you're really screwed if your repair bill is in Dollhairs! Basically, the only way to be safe is to not use your connection to the Town's Sewer System at all.

The expanded list of prohibited items above will remain in effect until we can dump the whole sewer system off onto the County, then it's their baby. When we originally sent out these Pamphlets, at first glance I didn't notice that one of the not-to-be-flushed items listed was tampons, who the Hell flushes Tampons? Don't you people realize that Stanly County water is nasty enough as it is? Good Grief, I mean, when my time of the month comes around, it's never even dawned on me that I should flush them!

Oh Well, I hope you've enjoyed this Mayor's Corner, but I'm certainly not, just ask one of my lackeys! Unfortunately, during one of my drunken stupors, I was out riding my Magic Pony after dark and got tricked into signing a contract requiring me to make regular appearances here for as long as I'm your Mayor, so I'll be back soon enough to help keep you entertained...err, I mean Informed.

In closing, since I need a break from all this stress and pressure, plus I have a liver transplant scheduled, I've increased our front office staff from just two people to a total of three. Miss Dobyne, as seen in the following YouTube video, will fill in for me as the Official Town Spokesman, she should fit right in, as you shall see. Fortunately, she has agreed to work in exchange for Cigarettes and Animal Crackers, so our budget will remain pretty much unaffected. For the record, I deny that she's a relative of mine, even though she claims to be and that's all I have to say about that!