News with Views

The Mayor's Corner -  October Fall Festival Update.

I welcome you to yet another exciting addition to my personal Mayor's Corner page here at StanfieldPress.com, the official political website for Stanfield, unfortunately for me. But Mom always told me "if you can't beat them, then join them" - so here I am. During this particular article, I am here to prove to you all that I can actually manage to tell the truth every now and then. Why Bother?...Because I am sick and tired of hearing what a Liar of Legendary Proportions I am, even at times when the simple truth would actually better serve me. Since I'm not up for election again for over 2 years and I know most of my Lemmings will forget all this by then, I'll give honesty a try...yuck.

Let's start with:

The bogus claim that moving this years Fall Festival was the idea of our Locust based...err, I mean our Stanfield Police Department, due to safety concerns. These guys couldn't pour iced tea out of a boot, if the directions were on the heel and they sure as Hell don't think for themselves. So, our blaming them for the Fall Festival's location change over public safety issues is only an excuse to cover my butt, once residents of my Kingdom...err, I mean Stanfield, started to complain. It was really me after all who decided to force everyone into this change, mainly because it's only a short and convenient walk from my home and extensive Liquor stash. Let's face it, I'm pretty lazy, I have stubby little girl legs, thighs that are prone to chafing and a crowd pleasing gut, so I don't do well on long walks. Yes, I know, it's all just another one of my selfish, bright and shining lies, but I'm getting what I want and that's what counts. Chances are though, this location change is going to be a nightmare for the rest of you!

Parking will now be a bigger issue than ever, crowd control will be all over the map and just about every driveway on South Love Chapel Road will be blocked by inconsiderate visitors, if they can even manage to find the new gathering site after so many years at our old location. Except for the earliest of early birds, those Festival goers showing up on time or slightly late, will be forced to walk in from as far away as the other side of Highway 200 or West Stanly Street. Yet another reason for the location change is that I want to show off my Legacy Project, known as Pete Henkel Park and now all of you will be forced to get a good look. The long distances that most Festival fans will now need to walk, could result in heat stroke or even stress related deaths, but that will simply mean more cake for the rest of us!

You have to think outside the box, when you're Mayor. Anyway, the potential for this location change to become a complete mess is probably high, with total strangers wondering all over town on their way to our new location, theft of valuables and maybe even actual break-ins of unoccupied homes, will surely be a concern. The resulting narrowing of Love Chapel Road, due to parked cars on both sides, will make things less safe than our old Main Street location ever was, but if anyone gets rolled up like a booger by a passing car, the above safety claims credited to the Standstill...err, I mean Stanfield Police Department will take the blame.

As the leading celebrity in our Town:

I will be making myself available to the public over the course of the day by driving around in my complimentary Golf Cart, as provided by Greg Lucas Golf Cart Industries, or whatever this latest Get-Rich-Quick business scheme of his is called. Yes, you will all get a chance to be near me and I know how very much that means to all of you. Stanfieldians and out of town visitors will also be able to take a photo with me, for which I am charging $5 Dollars each, since they are sure to wind up being highly collectible. So, as I ride around in one of Greg's cobbled together, used, but still for sale Golf Carts and you try to flag me down, yet it seems like I didn't notice you, it could be that my brakes just went out. We have yet to be able to verify if Greggie-poo is licensed, bonded, insured or even trained in this type of mechanical assembly, but since there are at least two other Town Councilmen reportedly also running unlicensed, no formal training and therefore most likely uninsured businesses, it's apparently How We Roll. Oh, but don't you dare try that sidestep yourself, all these Town Ordinances about such things are for you mouth breathers, not Stanfield's Priest Class, otherwise known as Your Elected Officials. But, no harm no foul right? I mean, while your family clings on for dear life, as you blaze through our city streets at 30 miles per hour, the off chance that one or more wheels might fall off was worth it. If that turns out to be the case, as you are hurled to your maiming death, you can take solace in the fact that you saved maybe $800 over the cost of a newer Golf Cart and avoided paying that pesky North Carolina Sales Tax, so live a little and take a chance!

Due to the recent exposure of our various episodes of financial mismanagement...

...err, I mean manufactured budget shortfalls, there will only be 3 Porta Potties available for the estimated 3,000 attendees. However, one of those is reserved for the exclusive use of Elected Officials and immediate family, since we don't want to share facilities with the unwashed masses, which would be all of the rest of you. If you find yourself unable to wait in a long line and just can't hold it anymore, feel free to take your happy ass down to the creek and take a squat. I figure, since the water is already filthy, the worst thing that can happen is the creek will backflow to the Mobile Home Park, which I hate anyway! Why do I hate and have vowed to eliminate the Mobile Home Park on West Stanly Street? It's because seeing it everyday reminds me of when I lived in one myself, as I worked my way through college turning tricks...err, I mean pumping gas, at area Truck Stops, plus those folks are all renters and you know how I feel about Renters.

Other Elected Officials will also be on hand to entertain you at this years Fall Festival:

However, please don't ask them any specific Town Related Questions, since we may not all be on the same page and whatever you are told will probably be total crapola anyway.

For Example, Jerry Williams will be giving short 5 minute classes on the benefits of old school bigotry as he gives area residents tours of his recently built and utterly useless Bridge to Nowhere, for which he was awarded a gratuitous Plaque, earlier this year.

This years Dunking Booth will be manned by Jason 'Slugfoot/Craphead' Smith and as a result, it should end up being a real crowd pleaser, since anyone who knows Jason would love to dunk his ass. However, we have taken certain precautions in order to protect Mr. Snarky Square Pants, by gathering up any available feathers and tar related products into the Town's Utility Shed, which will be kept under lock and key, until after the festivities. Yes, as much as many of you would prefer otherwise, the dunking tank will only contain plain ole harmless tap water. The real trick to the Dunking Booth this year and the reason it will be so profitable for us...err, I mean the Town, is  you will only be able to purchase the baseballs used to activate the dunking lever from Jason himself. If those balls fly halfway as crooked as Jason does, he should remain perfectly high and dry all day long. Larry Sides will be operating the Fat Bastard Cream Booth, while I'm busy zipping around, along with the 'rumor has it' Kiss A Perv Booth scheduled to be located right next to it. Fat Bastard Cream is on sale for $19.95, a Perv Kiss is free.

Elected Officials not running for reelection:

Will most likely not be on site or available, since they won't need to try and convince you that they're great guys for at least another 2 years, so why bother. I figure that between the potential for rain, the long walks and the fact that having only 3 Porta Potties will result in enough flies to make an 'Adopt a Starving African' Unicef Commercial, I wouldn't blame Greg or James, if they stayed home. Public Service based entertainment will be provided at high noon by Rick Huggins, as he takes the stage to educate our Town Hall front office staff, concerning all the things they should know about Town Business and Operations, but don't.

New Activities for our 2015 Fall Festival, are as follows:

There will be a Know Your Neighbor Based Competition for Adult Attendees not yet too drunk to participate, involving folks guessing at the Arrest Record, number of Liens & Judgements, number of Death Threats received, amount of Back Taxes owed, names of never repaid Loan Victims, number of Mistresses and of course how many DUI's some of us reportedly have.

For Children Attendees over the age of 8, we will have an uphill Potato Sack Race, since Pete Henkel Park is basically centered in a downward sloping pit and there will also be an unlicensed and uninsured Puppet Show along with a Lawn Dart Tossing Competition. However, since Robert 'GoldBrick' Harvey, our former scumbag Town Administrator is no longer with us, this years Lawn Dart target (empty Liquor bottles, supplied by me) will be less enjoyable to score a hit on.

I invite All Attendees to participate in helping me select the most flattering pose for my Soviet era style statue planned for the Park's entrance. Once installed, the year to year maintenance costs of this statue will be lower than budgeted, even though I suspect it might be regularly vandalized by the growing number of folks I have screwed over, mistreated or used up.

As far as refreshments goes:

We will be serving soft drinks, chewing tobacco, cotton candy, off brand ice cream, tacos and hot dogs all day long, free to you, but paid for by you, so show up hungry. Anyone wanting something stiffer to drink only needs to cut through the woods to my house or look under my Golf Cart seat.

In Closing:

Overall, I think this years Fall Festival will be great, even though you will be exhausted from all the walking up and down hills and from as far away as the other side of Highway 200, but just think how well you will sleep that night. If you have any further questions about our 2015 Festival, simply drop by Town Hall and hand a note to Wanda. If you're a member of my church, a Friends of Friends Network member or a certified Barbee fan, I'll take a look at it and when I've come up with a vague enough answer, we'll get back in touch with you, maybe.

Now, before you go and because I already have your attention:

There is some non-Festival info that I'd like to touch upon. As usual, this involves angles of revenue enhancement, slight of hand shenanigans or just simply cutting corners, all of which are my specialty. With that in mind, in an attempt to raise more money, the Stanfield Police Department (which you can usually find in Locust) is now authorized to stop people who don't even have a drivers license yet and ruin their day too.

Since StanfieldPress totally blew our cover recently over my 6 Cent Tax Scam,

it has now become necessary to start cutting some corners lately. I think under the circumstances, our Town employees did a fine job color matching this curb repair!

Sorta, kinda, not really...Hrm

And last but not least.

In an effort to be able to purchase an ever increasing amount of Adult Beverages...err, I mean medication, I have been forced to take a side job at Family Dollar. I'm up to my usual twists and turns and have migrated my morally-flexible management style over to that new job.

After seeing a Walmart commercial about their Falling Prices, it gave me an idea.