News with Views

This article has been brought to you by - Fat Bastard Cream

Do not use this product to play with yourself!

Newest Mayor's Corner 4/12/15

I would like to take a moment to apologize for this being the first Mayor's Corner article that you've seen in a while, it seems I damn near poisoned myself with the off-prescription use of my popular product, known as Fat Bastard Cream. Yes, as many of you know (just look at me) this stuff really works. What I mean by off-prescription use is that once I realized the lubricating properties of this wonderful product, I started to touch myself inappropriately (alot!) and basically overdosed. I noticed that I had lost my singing voice, my sugar was high, I started having trouble sleeping and I was no longer able to see my dingaling. I went to the doctor and found out that the above mentioned extreme use of this product had really done a number on me. For the rest of you, please read and follow the instructions! You have been warned. Luckily, I have now taken a 'Hands Off' approach and that of course means I can go back to drinking again. Therefore, if you see a car like mine come through town dragging its ass like a German Cockroach, as if the back shocks are blown out, that's simply me returning from a Booze run to the Monroe ABC store. Why do I drive all the way over to Monroe for my Adult Beverages?...God knows I can't be seen at the much more convenient Locust ABC store, as that might wreck my phony-baloney Good Christian Man image.

Now that I'm back to normal, it's important that I do some catching up. I would like to welcome all of you to drive down to My Park...err, I mean the Stanfield Park and take a look around, yes it's starting to look like 5 pounds of crap in a 2 pound bag, but I like the busy and complete waste of money look, don't you?

You will also notice that just beyond the 'dilapidated Tennis Court' I don't like Tennis, so we won't be spending any money on that, there is a new 'Bridge to Nowhere' that Jerry 'A Bridge to Nowhere' Williams has built for the town. This bridge is more wasted money window dressing 'like most of what we do around here' and it really does lead to nowhere, unless you have some unwanted children that you want to get rid of by sending them across and into the wooded hillside for some Goblin to grab, it serves no purpose at all. We did however present Jerry with a plaque for this useless gimmick, which allowed Jason 'Slugfoot/Craphead' Smith a chance to end up in the local paper for presenting it. We have been giving out a lot of plaques lately, as it is our version of back slapping and an effort to make us all look good to the average 'not paying attention' Stanfieldian. This is working so well, that we have decided to give Jason a plaque of his own for every 4 gratuitous ones that he manages to hand out, regardless of how stupid the presentation reason is.

Speaking of Stanfieldians being kept in the dark, we certainly don't want any of you to realize that the upcoming election involves 3 of the 5 Town Council seats being up for grabs, if I lose all three seats to new blood, I will be a Lame Duck Mayor and Stanfield will be saved...err, I mean ruined! So, 'Please continue to vote for the Carpetbaggers that are currently running things' - I would really, really appreciate it. Even though we have Council Members who have reportedly lost job(s) due to workplace impropriety, others that have lost professional licenses, shady Real estate deals, suspected Functioning Alcoholism, suspected Card Carrying Bigots and even one Councilman who has been arrested for Domestic Violence related issues to include Communicating Threats (arrested - 7/3/2014 & 2/13/2015 - Confirmed via the Sheriff's website)....We are all still good folk and would appreciate your continued inattention...err, I mean support!

There is only one person on the Council that is worth a damn, but he continues to Recuse Himself every time things get 'complicated' - and that does not represent Good Leadership.

But...no matter what we 'really are' in our private lives, you can still catch most of us at church getting our Cup of Jesus every Sunday, in an effort to support our Manufactured Good Guy Images.

* Speaking of which, the fact that Jason 'Slugfoot/Craphead' Smith can even walk into a Church without the biggest ever recorded bolt of lightning taking him out - is proof that God has a sense of humor too!

More Wasted Money...err, I mean Investments:

After blowing a wad of money buying a new, extra snarky patrol car and making good on money we should have paid our police in years past, but didn't until the now former new police chief spotted the issue, we have since gone on to blow yet more money! That extra tax payer waste involves our buying the old accounting business building next to the police department for approx. $33,000 dollars and we will most likely have to waste...err, I mean invest that much on engineering load bearing walls where the two buildings will connect and bringing everything up to code, etc, etc. We also managed to waste yet more tax dollars (around $6,000 more) screwing around without professional help at the junction of Highway 200 and North Love Chapel Road. Jerry 'A Bridge to Nowhere' Williams and Jason 'Slugfoot/Craphead' Smith decided along with others to fix a minor problem by creating a massive one. To complicate matters further, someone left the keys in a nearby Backhoe and Jerry went apeshit trying to dig a hole to China. It seems that when he's not in a Bigot Fueled Rage over his fairly new Son in Law or forgetting where he is,  Jerry likes to dig really, really big holes and that's exactly what he did. Thousands of Dollars later, we now pretty much have it swept under the rug, well, maybe. This mess involves a fresh water spring that is now a fresh water gush, one which could eventually/possibly undermine Highway 200. Read that as a sinkhole forming that sends a car containing a family of five to their deaths, followed by a potential lawsuit that could financially destroy Stanfield, but hey, let's not be so gloomy!

Highway 200 belongs to the State, we shouldn't be diddling anywhere near it, certainly not at the hands of a couple of Oh-yeahs heading up the effort. If all else fails and we are unable to control this water table issue, we can simply open a new Stanfield Water Park and Jerry can build another stupid bridge for us!

The 6 Cent Tax Reduction Scam:

Years ago, thanks to mismanagement...err, I mean a glitch.....

Stanfield got behind on our Fire Tax to the local Fire Department, so we did a quicky tax rate increase to the tune of 8 cents per thousand and it was to sunset (that means go away), but we never did take it back off. That's called stealing, by the way...but now, since I am worried to death about the next election and what it will mean to me...we have tossed you suckers...err, I mean Good Folks a bone, by giving you a 6 cent per thousand tax break. Wait a minute, that means we will keep stealing the extra 2 cents. Uhhh, give me a minute to do the math on that...(pause)...Cool, I am correct, we still get to screw you out of extra money, money that we shouldn't have been charging you for years and years!

I just love all this Slight of Hand stuff and I think we will have to issue yet more celebratory plaques to each member of the Council for pulling this one off. In reality, if we were worth our salt, we would give you a 12 cent tax break and even then we would be paying you back at a rate that is half as fast as we stole it, but you can kiss our asses, you work for us, not the other way around. After all, how will I fund all of my Great Works (mainly enjoyed by out of towners) if we don't have buckets of money to blow...err, I mean - invest in your future.

I'm so glad that life has gotten in the way of the average Stanfieldian paying closer attention, it really does help us out. We think so little of you, that in a recent Town Council Meeting Minutes we refer to the Budget simply as being 'Good'...whatever the Sam Hill that means.

We are doing a great job paying down the Sewer!

Yes, even though most of us on the Town Council are not burdened with paying any fees related to the sewer system, (because we don't live within the distance that it reaches), we do appreciate you 'other' suckers putting up with the ridiculous prices and other shenanigans that we have played in order to pay it all off. We take full credit for paying down this sewer debt and tout it constantly, (read that as basically paying our damn bills and nothing more, certainly not some supreme effort of great management) and you folks better damn well appreciate it. So, when you flush your John, think of Me!

I can only hope that the eventual sewer system collapse will be blamed on someone else, even though 'as a then Town Councilman' - it was I that headed it all up. My concern is based on our cheapskate use of what I call 'Blue Light Special' quality pumps that we opted for (meaning - our use of the reportedly cheapest, most questionable service life, non-all metal ones available, known as a Myers E/ONE), don't you think something this important (poody-poo grinders/pumps) should be of a better/best quality?

Yes, I fear that one day a little girl will accidentally flush a doll head and the whole system will go Kaflooey!However, using my 'Ignore' method of management combined with my 'Pretend & Extend' mindset, everything will be fine, so don't worry your little heads over it, just keep paying your sewer bills and asinine tap-on fees, keep your pie holes shut and don't bother me with any details.

In Other News:

* I have to admit that I was really worried about the new bar in town that is really Jason's by another name (as usual.) It looked bad to the Moral Majority Crowd that it took place on my watch!

However, I am less worried now, since Jason's ability to screw up a one car funeral has carried over to his newest 'get rich scheme' - as I drive by each night, I notice that there are fewer people at the bar than there would be at a funeral for Gonorrhea. 

The only way it will remain open is if Jason pours unrelated funds into it, in order to, keep it going, which would be Grudge Based, due to all we did to block it.

* We have NOT Produced any Town Newsletters lately and that is due to the fact that the folks at StanfieldPress.com have been grafting images from them, then doctoring them up to make me look like an even bigger Twit than I manage to on my own. I do not appreciate this travesty and have therefore stopped production and now you will just have to get your monthly dose of Blue Sky B.S., Honey, Bubbles & Unicorn propaganda from somewhere else! However, I do feel a little better overall since our last Town Council Meeting, because I was presented with a custom made alarm clock made just for me! In order that I be reminded each and every morning of how damn important I am to everyone, the alarm sound is that of a large group of people clapping!It's good to be King, I'll drink to that!

What follows is Satire, meaning - the Mayor is not here and these are not his words. What it is, in our opinion, are ideas, issues or thoughts that Ole Kevin 'GlitterBug' Barbee might say, if he could manage to be half way honest for 2-3 minutes at a time. For you folks from Kentucky, that means we are simply making fun of this useless Chucklehead of a Mayor, one that only some ancient curse upon Stanfield can be blamed on!  We should all repent immediately and ask God for his help in ridding ourselves of this Poser Putz and his Bandits.