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I wonder what he's thinking....

A New Years Message from Me.

A satire based Opinion of what our craphead Mayor is really thinking.

Well, well, here we are at a new year and a new beginning, but unfortunately for Stanfieldians, nothing will change. Thanks to the various Lemmings who voted the way they were instructed to and those other registered voters too lazy to care or take action, the usual suspects are back in office along with one new eagerly compliant shill who did what he had to do to get elected. Speaking of which, the OBEY knee pads and fish net stockings are still up for grabs, the money will be misallocated...err, I mean used for something, I haven't decided yet. The fish net stockings are optional, but I would suggest whoever buys the knee pads also grabs the stockings, because Jerry 'The Hitman' Williams reportedly managed to get more excited than he's been able to in years when he saw little Rickie wearing them for the first time. I've waited until now to bring the whole knee pad thing up again, thereby giving little Rickie a chance to get the taste out of his mouth, plus we need the money after blowing...err, I mean investing 47,000 freaking bucks on an unneeded Utility Truck. That stupid truck and the fact that we have almost nothing left of the over $700,000.00 that we stole using that extra 8 years of fire tax is why we immediately reneged (after the election) on dropping the mandatory sewer fee for people who could, but have not tapped on. I'll give more details about Daddy's new Bitch a little later in this New Years message, but I just want to say that the several now forgotten pre-election promises, such as dropping the above monthly fee, should not come as a surprise to anyone.

Seriously, for anyone paying attention (which appears to be very few of you), the opinion of us remains that we are nothing more than an unqualified to govern group of Crooks, Liars, Posers, GlitterBugs and People with Arrest Records. We have ripped through virtually every dime that we have been able to extract from you people and most of you (thank God) haven't even noticed. As of now, we are going to take back another 1/2 a percent of tax from the 6 cents of ill-gotten gain we took for an extra 8 years in order to chip in on the request by Stanly County for us to support their Education Plans for 2016. Notice we aren't taking that 1/2% out of the 2% we continue to steal from the abused Fire Tax Scam that raised the extra above 700,000+, oh no, we are going to add that 1/2% and over time we will of course find excuses to take all 6 cents per thousand back, that's what Crooks do, they Crook You. People without any accounting background whatsoever now say the Town cannot afford to remove the 'suggested that we would' sewer related monthly fee that effects anyone within 300 feet of our sewer lines. The reason being given is that our positive cash flow (or the amount we admit to having) is now too low for us to lose the income from this part of our overall sewer scam. What would happen if we had a major situation or emergency expense - is the exact excuse for all this that is being used. Of course, if we had held on to more of all the money we have absconded with, this would not be an issue. Yes, all the above is just more proof that we have no idea what the Hell we are doing, but that's what happens when idiots vote in idiots. None of this is my fault, as I was not at many of the meetings that made these choices for you, so don't look at me over all this!

My job is to look good in my various Cracker Barrel tablecloth shirts and to dispense Blue Sky propaganda & misinformation, of which I am a Master.

Daddy's Old Bitch.

Yes, Jason 'Slugfoot/Craphead' Smith failed to get reelected, but this was not my original plan. Jason has so used up his local image that a couple who came to town recently looking for a place to live were warned off concerning dealing with Jason in less than an hour by concerned locals who know him. I supported Jason because he was a good Lemming for me, voted as he was told to for 8 years and because we had invited Rick 'The Gladhand' Williams to my church, but he snubbed us. Even though Jason is gone and I'll miss him being so compliant in exchange for virtual amnesty for all his shenanigans, I did make sure that he received yet another gratuitous plaque and by doing so he now has enough of them to start up a solar panel farm. It's not all bad for me though, because it looks like the new guy replacing him is just as bad or worse, since at least Jason started out telling the truth, once he had focused in on a new victim, in order to gain their confidence, but this new guy Bullshits everyone right out of the gate.

Daddy's New Bitch.

Yes, I'm calling my new eagerly compliant shill 'The Gladhand' and I'd like to take a moment here to apologize to the many people, who even after the election, found themselves being dry humped by this cat, the most recent episode being outside of the barber shop. These people looked like innocent bystanders and yet days after the election there was ole Rickie pumping more sunshine at folks who didn't know better. The main problem I see with this guy is that he is at least as big of a GlitterBug as myself, a glory hound who is so full of Crap his eyes appear to be brown. It may become necessary for me to hand off all of the worst situations and otherwise potentially embarrassing issues for him to handle, so his star quickly dims and only I shine bright. This of course can and will be arranged, because there can only be one GlitterBug and damn it - I'm it. Time will tell about this fella, but just remember who raised thier hand and warned you about him first. I predict that just like myself, any promises he made to anyone aren't worth the paper they aren't written on and that goes equally as well for anyone who's last name rhymes with a brand of diapers. That person isn't the one who helped get him 'really elected' so no loyalty is felt or owed.

The Usual Suspects:

Yes, Jerry 'The Hitman' Williams got reelected and that means he will reportedly be able to vote in more money spending on this and that, while also picking up work on those very same projects. Larry 'Mysterious Job Loss' Sides also got reelected and I'm sure will go on to continue to waste more and more money on our ridiculous money pit...err, I mean Town Park. This is of course what you people wanted, so suck it up and keep paying those fees and taxes, because we need the money! Oddly enough, when asked, we have other Town Councilmen who used the term 'I'm safe for 3 more years' in relation to their position on the Council. Does it seem strange to you too that someone would use that language when describing their elected position? Safe from what?...people finding out you're a craphead too? Speaking of which, I left ole James in his position of Police Commissioner, knowing that he lives vicariously through it since losing his Cop job in Monroe. On principle, he should have been removed from this Council position over a year ago (see the Arrested Coneheads link), but my leaving him in this Police Commissioner spot might just mean that he will reward me back with absolute loyalty and compliance. People think the T.V. show Game of Thrones is about some medieval group of backstabbers and handwashers, but it's actually a show about people like me. Unfortunately for James, there are people who plan to speak to his former associates over in Monroe, so they can get to the bottom of what really took place and why he reportedly can't ever be a policeman again. That should prove to be very interesting, followed by a scream and possible self inflicted gunshot coming from West Stanly Street within hours of it being posted, so keep an eye out for that upcoming article. The really bad news for the current members of the Stanfield Town Council is that the owner of StanfieldPress is abandoning sending out mailers to the people who are known to vote (70% of them can't seem to think for themselves) and will instead start sending regular mailings to the Registered - but don't usually vote - people of Stanfield, all 400+ of them. Our days may be numbered as a result. God I hate it that someone is really paying attention, it just makes things so much harder and a lot less fun.

In other news, for those of you who are litterbugs, maybe you should consider that when dumping out your junk that it doesn't include serial numbered oil filters and such that match the cars you drive. A lot of you types would do well to stop and think before you do these things, because they can come back and bite you, plus it makes the Indian Cry!

Be a good egg and always dispose of your junk the right way.

Now, we all know that I would rather head to the bathroom and pass a salt encrusted, broken Vinegar bottle than to actually be honest with any of you, but in the spirit of this New Year of 2016, I'll give it a go. Therefore, I hereby promise to try and change the fact that under my leadership Stanfield has pretty much gone to Hell, some examples are as follows:

Stanfield remains backwards in the area of seeking out and promoting new businesses and that will be our eventual downfall, but some of the folks who want to push a pro-business agenda are arch enemies of mine, so it is what it is. Stanfield has become one of the most expensive places in Stanly County to live, a totally unjustified situation, but we need the money, so it is what it is. Because we have not grown and are actually headed in the wrong direction, if we eventually end up losing our elementary school (like Oakboro just did), our low volume Town Post Office (which now leases year to year only) will most likely go too.

Think about it, we already lost our Bank, a car dealership, a neighborhood grocery/variety store, our 2 child care centers and an auto repair shop years ago and since then we've lost all of the mid to large size area employers that we once had. If it all comes crashing down, the only remaining proof that Stanfield is a Town at all will be our missing in action Police Department, which is mainly populated by Smurfs, since no one on the Police Force is allowed to be taller than my sawed off ass. To add injury to insult, as our way to maximize Profits...err, I mean savings, we've made constant use of damn near unqualified and shoddy sources to perform work for the Town. This is why we have the worst quality sidewalks, when compared to say Locust or Midland, blackened out street lane lines, due to contractor error, rocky Ball Field dirt and weed-like landscaping trees that have grown to engulf and damn near hide our 2,897 street lights down the center of town. This same mismanagement is also how you get black asphalt repairs made to white concrete curbs, front office staff who Know Nothing, but do manage to spy on all of you for my benefit, plus the growing number of quick-fix pothole repairs that look like the work was performed by an 8 year old with a bucket of oatmeal.

However, not all is lost as we enter the year 2016! The good news from me to you is that Locust is in the wings - ready, willing and able to absorb us when the time comes. Yes, we are going downhill fast around here, but at the end of the day it's actually all your fault, that's what happens when everyone able to vote doesn't get up,  get out and go vote!

Nothing will really change until you do, because low voter participation always gives you US.