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November 6 2018 - article #8
As your newly re-elected Mayor of Standstill...err, I mean Stanfield, I and the other ugly as a mud fence women in the above photo would like to thank the 80 something dumbassess...err, I mean supporters - for electing me once again. What is this, something like my 5th or 6th time!
I must say this is an excellent ego booster for someone with a mushroom dick...err, I mean crowd pleasing cock, yeah..err, that sounds better.
Anyway, as you can see, all us girls got dressed up to celebrate, it's like getting married all over again, minus those pesky vows. I promise to continue to misuse and abuse...err, I mean honor the office of Mayor and to go after and persecute...err, I mean protect and serve the members of the Friends of Friends Network...err, I mean the people of Stanfield, to the best of my ability, which isn't much, so don't get your hopes up.
The biggest bar in town is at my house, so come on over and help me and the other ladies celebrate!
The cover charge is only a reasonable $35.00 + $5.00 a drink per person, as we are still trying to raise funds for a Soviet era style statue of me at the Stanfield park entrance.
Come one, come all, except for the Bastard over at StanfeldPress, he's not welcome, him and his damn body-cam.
Oh, my gosh, I almost forgot to introduce Our newest fundraising products!
It's the Anal Intruder 2000 personal device with 8 speeds, debris catcher bag & optional drop cord!
It's bound to be a real party pleaser and can be yours for only $95.99.
I guarantee each one will work properly, as I personally test each one on myself first
and even wash them off afterwards! What a great deal!
* Cash Only, come to the back door of Town Hall and request yours...the secret password is Pineapple.
Jerry Williams and Larry Sides already bought theirs and we haven't seen either one since!
Are my Nipples showing?
Reportedly, Councilman Rick 'GladHand' Williams bought one of these, but has already blown the motor.
* It will be replaced under warranty.
Note to Self:
When the Anal Intruder 2000 starts to smoke, it means you're burning up the motor!
Do not run these for hours on end.
Due to the above motor service life issue, brought to our attention by Rick 'Gladhand' Williams, our fine crew of engineers and their support staff went to work.
After several weeks of trial and error, we here at Dewalt Anal have created a true mechanical masterpiece!
As a result of this newest model, our most excited, discerning and anally fixated customers, can now enjoy hours of vigorous gut churning fun and without fear of over-heating or engine parts failure!
Therefore, we are proud to announce the following and for only 6 installments of $89.99!
The Devastator 2100!