Stanfield Press

News with Views




Reverend Donnell SnapTooth Washington III

an Introduction

I am the Ebony Alter-ego of our StanfieldPress Editor & Owner, so brace yourselves!

Born into a well to do Jewish family, nowhere near this damn place, and raised by a Black Nanny aka 'Miss Frankie' - Mr. Webb ended up a lot more sassy than most white folk.

I am a sorta, kinda, not really ordained minister of the AME Zionian Power of Got Church just off the Hwy 218 access road, to the left of Bob's Tackle Shop & Tattoo Parlor. I was unfortunately dismissed from Seminary School for uncontrolled profanity and diddling the chapel woman who polished the brass and stacked the hymnals twice a week, we now have 12 kids. I finished my training by mail and will now be the guest speaker and local news reviewer of a lighter side. I will speak in the way I know best, which is not giving a chit what anyone else thinks, so let's get started.

Mr. Webb has issues...with many of you. There are several people who circle the drain around here that are as phony as plastic fruit. There are those who act very religious, yet also constantly back stab and purposely generate issues, then step back to enjoy the carnage.

These very same people also bear false witness at every chance, possibly in order to make themselves look and feel better about themselves, which is important to them, because their naughty bits probably look like a football with the laces torn out. Still others are what I call 'Sunday Only Christians' and are just as Hell Bound as a crack whore eating stolen candy bars and working at a titty bar. You will find additional info about these Turkeys elsewhere within this site's many pages, so take a look around.

As for now, let's get started with some local events and news!


Dearly Beloved, We are gathered here today to touch upon the stupidity of some people.

Please open your guidebooks to the section on page 836 titled....Oh My God, you didn't do that?

For our darker persuasion readers with a Ghetto Mind currently cashing in on public assistance, for you that would be the 'Nigga Please' section at marker ribbon #9.


Our initial story (Drunk Driver Flees) comes from Locust, just a short time back.

We will refer to this scofflaw from now on as Dumbass. Let us now do a brief review:

If your black ass is already drunk and currently driving, don't stop at the busiest gas station in town to purchase more adult beverages and to be seen. Instead, drink only the booze that you already have on hand, then take the back roads and avoid Locust all together. It would have been much better to cut right through the center of Stanfield, since our pigs are either over in Locust themselves or at home taking a nap. Anyone on duty and actually in town would have been busy sucking up their 50% off law enforcement meals at our restaurant, of which, as you can tell by their big ole butts, they miss few of.

Secondly, do not try to outrun anything in a truck, new or old. Only Fags, Red Necks (is there a difference) and a Dumbass like you, thinks trucks can outrun the Cops, you might as well have been driving a pontoon boat with stolen wheels off of a Walmart shopping cart.

Thirdly, when you create a field day for the cops, as you now know, they will stack so many charges on you that even your Mom will be asking "where did I go wrong?" Cops just love Turtle-Man style Live Action and it didn't help that, well...your ass was black. Don't you know that Cops vs. Black really means 8 on 1 is Pure Fun on a Hoagie Bun! Just take your ass to YouTube and do a search for yourself.

Fourthly, if you are going to show your ass in this manner, one which I don't condone, try to keep it down to only one Police Agency, because, once again, as you now know - each one will add charges of their own! Now you are in such a fine mess that even Jesus himself will be saying, "Next Prayer Please" even I can't help with this one! Now, you've lost your truck and spent all of your money, but still failed to earn a release, while Leroy is back home giving your wife the full-treatment.

When you do finally get out of the Pokie, you will spend the next 10 years of your driving license revocation asking your brother in law for rides to your collection of various low paying part time jobs with employers who didn't bother to do a background check for known Dumbasses.

My Advice - You should have stayed home!


Story Number Two (Screwed Up!)

Recently, probably as part of a matching grant scam, of which we are famous, Stanfield has been marked as a Purple Heart City, whatever that means. It might have something to do with the military, but it could also be in response to our over taxation, I will look into it further and get back to you.

The signs are quite nice, so we obviously outsourced them, but every damn one of them is dented and dimpled due to Arnold Schwarzenegger or a bad impersonator having over tightened every one of the sign mounting bolts. Now I'm not exactly Bob Villa, but damn folks, ever heard of using large, flat plastic or rubber mounting washers that are designed to avoid these type blemishes?

Oh, wait a minute, I forgot where I was for a second, because none of the employees of Stanfield actually live here and at least half of them sign with an X, so why would they care. Cleatus and Bubba or whoever the guys are who did this cosmetic crime bordering on vandalism need to realize it's a thin metal sign, not the intake manifold on Daddy's old Ford tractor.

Others have noticed, but once again, we are the only ones actually taking on the issue. We will now wait for whatever comes next at the hands of the Idiots Out Walking Around that are officially known to you and I as Stanfield's Town Management, Lord knows something else is bound to happen any day now.

My Advice - use oversized mounting washers and be cool, fool!

When you think you're finished, be sure to take a step back, look at your handy work from all possible angles just to make double sure that you didn't fuck it all up, as usual.


Other Observations Remain:

It might just be me, but does the fact that 748 days after the Town Council gave approval and reportedly some of themselves jobs, that the Police Department annex project is still being fiddled with?

Maybe boondoggle activities such as this are where all the 6 Cent Tax Scam money goes, even though when using large enough bills, it could fit nicely into one's overall pockets?

Now, it would be unlike my Reverend like duties to leave you and the rest of the flock with a totally negative mindset, so I do have some good news. I am almost giddy to announce that Jason Smith of slugfoot fame has moved damn near to the edge of West Stanly Street, where he now lives in a Tyvek wrap covered house, for anyone looking for him......As a result, one could come to the conclusion that he is now well within Knife Attack range of the at least 5 people who have claimed to want to kill his sorry ass. Now, it is beyond me to enjoy some good violence and I'm not suggesting anyone finish him off, but hey, shit happens and of that we can all Praise the Lord. My only remaining question is if there will be a micro Meth Lab where the kitchen closet maybe should have been, some would certainly suggest same.

Since this very same house was only just recently and previously occupied by a group of what seemed like 28 Mexicans, we're also sure that Jason will be right at home with any cockroaches that were left behind and decided to stick around. Heck almighty, based on his past employee profiles, he might even hire a few of them.


I'll be back soon, I'm still getting settled in, but I think I'm going to enjoy this.


The Honorable, Reverend Donnell SnapTooth Washington the III

Have a Blessed Day.